To properly kick off Halloween season I watched the classic film Carrie. Carrie is the horror movie equivalent of The Indy 500 for me. I really don’t like it and therefore avoid it for years…. but because I recognize it’s “iconic” I always go back only to remember why I didn’t like it in the first place. In sum: I don’t find Carrie to be scary (why fight a good rhyme??). I just think it’s INCREDIBLY depressing. I mean like I (a 28 year old grown ass woman) nearly wept watching the end of the movie. Here’s a refresher in case you haven’t seen it in awhile (and if you’ve never seen it: well shame on you!).
The movie essentially opens with Carrie getting her first period in the gym shower only to be taunted (and I mean throwing pads while screaming like slutty banshees taunted) by her entire gym class. Oh yeah… and Carrie is freaking out and crying not only because HELLO she’s publicly bleeding in front o’ a ton of high waisted short wearing camel toed ho bags, but also because her mother neglected to tell her AT ALL about this crucial stage in becoming a woman. So basically, she thinks she’s dying from her vagina. She is saved by her gym teacher Miss Collins who fucking hates the rest of the girls in the class. Unfortunately, Miss Collins and the principal (who is convinced that his telekinetically gifted student’s name is Cassie) send her home to get some rest…. Unfortunately Carrie’s mom (in typical horror movie mom fashion) is psycho and religious as fuck. And I thought cramps were the worst part of a period…. apparently immediately becoming a whore is a little worse!
Anyway, per all high school movies some guy is guilted into taking “loser Carrie” to prom (ps: she isn’t pathetic like other high school “damsels in distress” and actually questions his motives). Just when she is finally feeling happy and included, John Travolta and the mom from Poltergeist III
decide to dump a shitload of pigs’ blood on her head…. thereby humiliating her and knocking out her date (who HEY actually likes her at this point). As a circle of popular douchebags surround her, Carrie cannot help but to feel like the entire building is laughing at her. And oh yeah her mother WHO LOCKS HER IN A CLOSET EVERY DAY WITH A SCARY JESUS ICON’s favorite saying “They’re all going to laugh at you” rings in her head as she accidentally burns the shit out of the place… because oh yeah she has powers that she doesn’t understand (because she can’t get a lot of research done when she’s locked in a closet: This ain’t your Mama’s Charmed). OH and the directors decide to make this utterly depressing story even more depressing than it is in the book by killing her kind date and the teacher who she adores. “Enjoy”:
Carrie walks home where her mother (conveniently and reasonably enough) is already gearing up to kill her (because she went to the prom without her approval). Carrie wants a hug from her mother, but her mother instead lovingly tells her that she should have been aborted and is therefore going to die now. Carrie stabs her mother in self defense… realizing her mother has died Carrie becomes even more depressed and pitifully carries her mother to her prayer closet and burns the house down killing herself.
SCARY RIGHT????
Why can’t Carrie dress up in a hockey mask and kill slutty teenagers in cabins?? Then I might be able to get behind her demise. Damnit. Even writing about this is depressing.
popglutton 