Currrent Obsessions
1. The Inbetweeners
Like the majority of my now favorite shows, The Inbetweeners has prettily sat in my netflix queue for about a year. For about a year I’ve thought “When I do watch this show, I bet I will really love it, but I don’t think I can multi-task and play Hidden Chronicles AND watch a new show, so better stick with another episode of David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding”. Turns out this show is as funny as EVERY FUNNY BLOGGER WHO I TRUST has promised. I have learned that believing the hype typically works for me (read: Lost was addictive and Downton Abbey really is fucking incredible).
]2. Not playing facebook games.
I convinced myself that because I am broke, a prudent and responsible summer activity would be to dump (as I throw up in my mouth and grimace in shame) probably hundreds of hours playing Hidden Chronices and Castleville. The truly fucked up cat-lady reality is THAT I DID SPEND MONEY PLAYING. Like- if I just couldn’t wait to acquire all of the materials to construct my virtual Unicornicopia Party I would charge my phone $2.00 to just do it already. I actually rationalized this in my head “well I could be out right now, so really I’m saving money”. Why couldn’t I take up a respectable addiction and gamble with something other than my ability to ever have a love life?? 
3. What Would Sheree or Honey Brown Do?
I am nice. I am funny. I am formerly a doormat. No more! I have one life to live and deal with enough bullshit of my own making, so I have sworn to not take shit. There are consequences. Maybe someone might *gasp* not like me, but I’m willing to accept that. Unless you’re going to give me a million dollars or whisper the cure for cancer into my ear, if you’re being a dick to me for your own amusement or because you can typically get away with it, I will call you on it and then keep it moving. In other words, who gonna check me boo? Because ain’t nobody got time for that.
4. This song:
way to recover from that terrible modest mouse remix, lupe! 🙂
5. also this song- because let’s face- kanye can do no wrong musically
6. Pinterest
I have replaced the shameful “hobby” of building facebook villages of different sorts with crafting like a motha (not a mother- i do cool crafts). I am working my Michaels rewards card and have made some pretty cool jewelry/art/wreaths (ok so the wreath part is fairly motherly). Wrap bracelets are my current fave:
7. Michael Pitt
Watch Boardwalk Empire or season three of Dawson’s Creek and attempt to disagree.
Here. I’ll help.
8. The Sleigh Bells’ Reign of Terror because the Sleigh Bells slayed (get it?? BAM!) the rest of my ipod for probably the past sixth months
If maturing means not caring about reality romance competitions, I don’t want to mature….
As a struggling twenty-something I’ve taken the responsible road of not paying for cable. This, of course, means that I take weekly trips to my parents’ house to get my trashy television fixes. Yesterday I decided to treat myself to Jenny McCarthy’s new show Love in the Wild. The formula for this show is a traditionally successful one for me. Hot people sleep around in an exotic setting and make occasional passably witty comments. While I fully intend to watch the entire series, I must admit that I felt a little disappointed. I actually felt sorry for the contestants. WTF??? I have been a proponent for trashy reality television my whole life. I refuse to watch mainstream shows like The Bachelor because I can’t stand the pretense that these people genuinely want to find love. I will watch ten seasons of Flavor of Love before I will watch one episode of The Bachelorette. I think I like the idea that these people realize that they are shameless… versus Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants who embark on roller coaster rides of emotion in the quest to receive the final rose from THE ONE OPTION THE PRODUCER GIVES THEM. I’m supposed to buy that this is all romantic. Here is the one couple who stayed together:
vom. I really wanted to find the clip where he emotionally reads his poetry to her (he was supposedly inspired by their 30 minute one-on-one date I’m sure), but I couldn’t sit through any of the six minute clips. I hope this is the one.
I guess my disappointment in Love in the Wild calls into question my past. I once ran away from home because my mother would not allow me to complete an episode of Temptation Island. Do we remember this show?? The premise of this show was struggling couples who couldn’t find the balls to actually break up would be tempted by sexy floozies (haven’t used that word in a decade, but it seems appropriate) who were oddly INSANELY attracted to them. The men and women could then choose to watch videos of their significant others to see if they were, indeed, tempted. Anyway, long backstory short, my mother was weirdly protective of what I was allowed to watch and as Temptation Island was not produced by Nick Jr., it did not make the cut. Well I really wanted to see how this future MTV vj’s body shot cheating date would go
I made the logical move of faking a runaway (keep in mind, this was before the days of DVR). I told my mother I was OUT and ran out of the house. I then hid in a ditch until I heard her car pass. No, I did not go to many parties, but I was a bratty teenager. Once I heard her car pass I ran back to my house and locked myself in my room until I could finish the tantalizing episode. Was it worth it? Absolutely. It is tragic that today’s shows can’t compete. Maybe I’ve matured. Maybe I’m jaded and have been spoiled by the excessive trashiness of the past ten years. Maybe I’m finally better than this?
I really hope not.
Dawson’s Creek: A Rant
Now that I no longer have parental controls, I can finally fully experience 90s adolescence and jump on the whimsical Nicholas Sparks-esque Dawson’s Creek boat. Unfortunately…. I often find myself wanting to jump off the boat in hopes that the creek is shallow enough for me to walk home to the new millennium. I eagerly awaited Dawson’s arrival to my watch instantly netflix queue as I was curious about the show that I was not allowed to watch in high school (over-protective parents are you happy with your product?) I had recently purchased the first season at Half Price Books and I really liked it. Granted my requirements for “really liking” a show are 1. teen angst and…. that’s pretty much it. Anyway, I have since watched another season and a half and I have a few qualms:
1. It’s true- adolescents (or anyone) are not that articulate. Yes, on rare occasions teenagers might become so impassioned that they will go off into a thoughtfully worded diatribe… Most of the time they (and anyone) will just cuss and rely on the go-tos “I wish you would” or the nineties equivalent “whatever”. Yes, I am willing to bet that Joey, Dawson, Pacey, and Jen are incredibly smart…. but EVERYONE AT THE DAMN SMALL TOWN HIGH SCHOOL? No. Shut it down.
2. Andy. Andy, Andy, Andy. I love her. Why she gotta be so cray? Or better yet, why is she the “crazy” one that everyone’s concerned about. She takes a little bit of Xanax and suddenly she has to go off to crazy camp meanwhile Pacey sleeps with a teacher and we are barely batting an eyelash.
3. Joey- Get over yourself honeybear. Or to quote Taylor Swift “Why you gotta be so mean?” I keep seeing these shows where men fall for the bitchy skinny brooding brunette and guess what— that does NOT happen in real life. Or maybe it only happens in North Carolina (I’m looking at you Nicholas Sparks and Kevin Williamson).
4. Dawson…… I just don’t get it. Stop whining and stop being such a pussy. Also, please get a haircut. Why did so many girls swoon over you?
5. Jen- you’re better than this. Either hang out with Grams or go back to the big city. Better yet… just skip forward ten years and hook up with Heath Ledger.
6. Theme song: How did we go from iconic “I Don’t Want to Wait” to this shit? :
It is perfect in that Dawson probably could have written it.
7. Entire cast: Why can’t you be as attractive as your new millennium counterparts?
1. Dawson’s Creek Cast
versus
Vampire Diaries Cast
or even better the Gossip Girl cast
If I have to (and I do) watch melodramatic “adolescents” bicker and be promiscuous all I ask that they be impossibly beautiful. That said, I will dedicate a full week of my life to finishing the series. I can’t quit you Dawson’s Creek.
What is the WORST Birthday for a Lady??
As a child I never understood why “members of the older generations” in my family did not celebrate their birthdays with more gusto. Ummmm hello…. I thought birthdays = strictly presents, reflections on how awesome you are, parties, and themes of your choosing. If I had the funds I would have had a marching band (or probably Paula Abdul) perform outside of my house for the entire month of October….. possibly all of fall. Then I hit twenty-five and realized…. oh snap birthdays are the penultimate time for self-reflection. They’re like New Years Eves that you don’t have the luxury of blacking out. They are the time for you to think “Where did I picture myself at x age?” and “how disappointed am I (my case) by where I actually am). And so- I’d like to see what you think… Men and women can answer this, but I feel like age is more difficult for women for a variety of reasons->
1. The dreaded ever-decreasing egg count
2. It’s cool to date older men, not so much for women… We no longer have the anomaly of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher (he’s dipped into a younger, uglier, and less talented lady pond). Meanwhile Bruce Willis has knocked up his wife who is actually younger than Ashton (ain’t that a bitch??)
3. Unless you’re Diane Von Furstenburg, wrinkles aren’t cool for women. This is:
Meanwhile Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are a happy “role-model” couple:
I will reserve my opinions for post-poll. What is it that Diddy says? VOTE OR DIE!!!!!!
Top Five Pity Me? or Do Me? Actors
I have always had a thing for the obscure awkward character in movies. I don’t know if I went for Yeah Yeah instead of Benny in The Sandlot
because I genuinely found him attractive or because I subconsciously thought that in the real world I would stand a better chance with him (actually I do know- it’s the latter), but I’ve noticed that the last few years my tastes have become the norm. Side(and un-ignorable)note. Apparently adult Yeah Yeah got his ass kicked by his girlfriend:
That might have ruined my day. Anyway, moving on…. my point is now my favorite skinny, non-macho, sort of awkward guys are in the forefront and 1. It kind of pisses me off (I was there first!!!) and 2. I feel the need to rank them:
Let’s do this:
5.
Vincent Kartheiser:
Better known as Pete from the hipster jack-off hit Mad Men, Vincent Kartheiser is the perfect mix of awkward and sleazy. I’m not sure what the male equivalent of “lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets” is, but homeboy is it.
4.
Nicholas Brendan
Yes I realize that I just finished all seven seasons of Buffy, so that means I can be tottttttallllllly objective. Anyway, Xander did the bumbling “nerd” who somehow manages to have sex with all of the hotties better and before Chandler, Ross, Seth, or Lonely Boy. And he’s a hero damnit!!
3.
Adam Brody
Speaking of Seth Cohen, Adam Brody…. oh Adam Brody. Formerly part of a hipster power couple, Adam Brody loves hoodies, having a good physique, wisecracking, and dating short women. Therefore I love him.
2.
Hugh Grant
I recognize that it’s f-ed that I find his mugshot stunning… Yeah what’s wrong with me? Moving on, Hugh Grant is the granddaddy of sexy uncomfortableness. I can watch any disaster that he might star in… I’m talking to you Did You Hear About the Morgans? . Hello. Even my father thinks he’s cute (in a non-sexy way).
1.
Joseph Gordon Levitt
Alright, be still my beating heart. I have crushed on Joseph Gordon Levitt for most of my child and all of my adult life. He is actually so perfect that he makes me resent my life and scowl at the men I come in contact with. He sexily sings Lady Gaga, speaks French, and somehow manages to also appear down to Earth. FML.
Honorable Mentions:
Jason Bateman
Jason Bateman 2/Paul Rudd (am I the only person who gets them confused????)
Robert Pattinson
Dustin Hoffman
There’s Nothing Scarier than a Menstrual Flow
To properly kick off Halloween season I watched the classic film Carrie. Carrie is the horror movie equivalent of The Indy 500 for me. I really don’t like it and therefore avoid it for years…. but because I recognize it’s “iconic” I always go back only to remember why I didn’t like it in the first place. In sum: I don’t find Carrie to be scary (why fight a good rhyme??). I just think it’s INCREDIBLY depressing. I mean like I (a 28 year old grown ass woman) nearly wept watching the end of the movie. Here’s a refresher in case you haven’t seen it in awhile (and if you’ve never seen it: well shame on you!).
The movie essentially opens with Carrie getting her first period in the gym shower only to be taunted (and I mean throwing pads while screaming like slutty banshees taunted) by her entire gym class. Oh yeah… and Carrie is freaking out and crying not only because HELLO she’s publicly bleeding in front o’ a ton of high waisted short wearing camel toed ho bags, but also because her mother neglected to tell her AT ALL about this crucial stage in becoming a woman. So basically, she thinks she’s dying from her vagina. She is saved by her gym teacher Miss Collins who fucking hates the rest of the girls in the class. Unfortunately, Miss Collins and the principal (who is convinced that his telekinetically gifted student’s name is Cassie) send her home to get some rest…. Unfortunately Carrie’s mom (in typical horror movie mom fashion) is psycho and religious as fuck. And I thought cramps were the worst part of a period…. apparently immediately becoming a whore is a little worse!
Anyway, per all high school movies some guy is guilted into taking “loser Carrie” to prom (ps: she isn’t pathetic like other high school “damsels in distress” and actually questions his motives). Just when she is finally feeling happy and included, John Travolta and the mom from Poltergeist III
decide to dump a shitload of pigs’ blood on her head…. thereby humiliating her and knocking out her date (who HEY actually likes her at this point). As a circle of popular douchebags surround her, Carrie cannot help but to feel like the entire building is laughing at her. And oh yeah her mother WHO LOCKS HER IN A CLOSET EVERY DAY WITH A SCARY JESUS ICON’s favorite saying “They’re all going to laugh at you” rings in her head as she accidentally burns the shit out of the place… because oh yeah she has powers that she doesn’t understand (because she can’t get a lot of research done when she’s locked in a closet: This ain’t your Mama’s Charmed). OH and the directors decide to make this utterly depressing story even more depressing than it is in the book by killing her kind date and the teacher who she adores. “Enjoy”:
Carrie walks home where her mother (conveniently and reasonably enough) is already gearing up to kill her (because she went to the prom without her approval). Carrie wants a hug from her mother, but her mother instead lovingly tells her that she should have been aborted and is therefore going to die now. Carrie stabs her mother in self defense… realizing her mother has died Carrie becomes even more depressed and pitifully carries her mother to her prayer closet and burns the house down killing herself.
SCARY RIGHT????
Why can’t Carrie dress up in a hockey mask and kill slutty teenagers in cabins?? Then I might be able to get behind her demise. Damnit. Even writing about this is depressing.
Trust me, I’m Psycho
I think I’ve made it crystal pathetic clear that I loves me a theme… so it should come as NO surprise that I am pumped for Halloween season. I already have three costumes in the works (bday party, Halloween parties, and Halloween day) and have made it rain at The Dollar Tree, but the best part of Halloween season is having an excuse to watch round-the-clock horror movies. I never really understood the appeal of Shark Week. I just assumed that it was a product of this hilarious Step Brothers scene :
but now I get it because my DVR is straight up AMC’s Fear Fest all day every day. Before I review the fuck out of some horror movies on my blog (or at least examine two) I feel the need to establish an authoritative voice (thank you English degree).
For as long as I can remember I have been OBSESSED with horror movies. My sister and I literally rented every horror movie available from every Blockbuster in the Greater Indianapolis areas. We would marathon the shit out of all of the series and made an effort to see every classic. My excessive horror movie watching probably explains why am I paranoid as hell. I remember one day walking around my (keep in mind- VERY small) ranch style home and not seeing within my own eyes. I actually felt like I was watching myself from a variety of creepy angles prepare to get tackled. Probably the most “oh shit, she ain’t playing- she really did watch a fuckload of horror movies” example would be the fact that I had to wear goggles in the shower for a good five years. Yep. Take that noise. I’m sure I don’t need to provide this clip, but I’ll do it anyway because it’s incredible :
I, very prudently, recognized that this could happen to me during any shower. If Marion had had her game face on she would’ve seen Norman coming and could have at least ducked or thrown some water in his face!!! So anyway, I found my most frightening goggles (3-d sharks) and wore them in the shower. Soap in my eyes would not be my Achille’s heel in my inevitable fight with a maniacal killer! This shit is common sense.
My next story isn’t directly Halloween related, but it is Kelly is crazy and therefore naively eats horror movies up related. As an elementary school student I ignorantly picked up a book on Vikings. Why, I don’t know because I’ve always been disturbed by anything that took place before 1800 (those mother fuckers are deaaaaaad dead). Anyway, I read about some dude that died during an expedition to the Antarctic and was thrown overboard. In the 20th century scientists found his totally preserved body and felt compelled to publish the photo in a book for impressionable children. After seeing the photo I could not stop thinking about it. Logically, I thought that the Viking could sense that I was thinking of him and might feel the consequent need to haunt me. Even more logically, I assumed that he might chill underneath my bed just to be cliche (I really did recognize that hiding under the bed was a cliche and that the Viking would hide there just to be an ironic jerk). Most logically of all, I felt that if I lined my bed in stuffed animals the Viking (who I guess would be in human form???) would possibly trip over them in his attempt to get to me thereby giving me MAYBE enough time to get away.
Reeling it in: What does this all mean?
1. I’m clearly too broke to go out tonight
2. I believe in ghosts
3. I have a lot of time on my hands to watch horror movies in marathon mode
4. shit I don’t know why I wrote this entry, but I’m about to write a shit ton more on horror movies.
Heaven and Hell: GenCon vs The FFA Convention
It’s that time of year again when terror descends upon Indianapolis and many of us wish we were six feet under rather than regularly facing sexually deviant, degenerate, hooting and hollering freaks. It’s FFA convention season. Call me overly dramatic, but I seriously considered calling in sick from work today rather than having to deal with teenage 4H losers wrecking my shop in the name of lame photo-ops while maniacally screaming the name of their lame Midwestern state that is ONLY cool amongst agricultural zealots (pretty sure that’s a run-on sentence, but I’m ranting). I think my deep, deep hatret for the FFA convention was borne from my Nordstrom work experience. There is nothing quite like having to “help” make out-crazed teenagers (who will not be kissed again until next year’s conference) into $500 dresses so that they can show off their experience in the “big city” to their cousins at home. And the jackets they wear. THE JACKETS. The FFA jackets are suit jackets meet letter jackets. I have to stop my hand from slapping some sense into these obnoxious kids who think they’re cooler than me because they know how to raise llamas. I mean fuck……
Ten dollars says all four of those guys want to bang homegirl in the front.
The worst part about The FFA Convention is that it’s not GenCon. I was PROUD to have gen-conners abuse their pedestrian privileges and cut me off at intersections because it gave me time to revel in their sense of costumery.
While the FFA kids need a jacket even in moderate weather, GenConners know how to COMMIT. They will wear ten pounds of clothes in 100 degree weather because they have gumption. They all put their unique spin on costumery…. and sure I bet it’s as incestuous as the FFA Convention, but I at least can have faith that GenConners are kinky and aren’t screaming NEBRASKA in hopes of maybe brushing up against their third cousin’s boob at an ice cream social. After work tomorrow I’m going to hibernate in my apartment (or attempt to acquire horse-blinders if I have to go outside downtown) and try to remind myself that someday FFA will be over and I will therefore be one week closer to GenCon 2012.
There’s a Hole in My Heart
And unfortunately it cannot be filled with this incredible Europop song:
After half-heartedly perusing my DVR recordings I settled on the new episode of my once beloved Gossip Girl. It’s aight, but clearly not bomb enough to prevent me from multi-tasking. You know what shows consistently captivated me like a fresh Housewives reunion? THE OC AND BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. I still haven’t watched Ringer or Hart of Dixie. I know what you’re thinking: “But Kelly you love Sarah Michelle Gellar and Rachel Bilson. Why aren’t you leaping at these new promising dramedies”? Simple, I fear seeing Buffy play a non-slayer fugitive or Summer playing a doctor will be even more traumatizing than seeing the bags for the grass in my Easter basket in my parents’ trash can. Sure getting chocolate bunnies from anyone, even your parents, is fun, but not nearly as cool as imagining a giant thoughtful bunny dropping them off in the middle of the night. Similarly, I don’t think my heart can stand imagining Rachel Bilson play anyone other than a snarky cute rich girl who dates a guy who annually celebrates Chrismukkah. Nor can I stomach watching Sarah Michelle Gellar not do incredible karate moves while nonchalantly making catty commentary. So, like Joni Mitchell asks, Where Have All the Flowers Gone? Or at least, what FUCKING happened to good teen television?? I feel sacrilegious saying that I know longer give a fuck about Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf or that Vampire Diaries straight up blows, but no amount of Gossip Girl eye-candy can move me the way the opening of the OC did:
That show had all of the ingredients necessary for the perfect teen soap:
1. The perfect cast:
I often think “What Would Sandy Cohen Do?” But really, I can’t think of a more likable father figure than Sandy Cohen….. or of a more flawed heroine than Marissa…. or of a more complex “bad boy” than Ryan Atwood… The supporting cast is incredible also. I can’t think of a better MILF than Julie Cooper-Cohen. She manages to sleep with her daughter’s high-school boyfriend and consider murdering her husband and STILL be lovable. In fact, she was lovable BECAUSE she wanted to murder Marissa’s killer. How great must a show be for me to let go of all of my morals and embrace a Juicy Couture wearing, gold-digging, wannabe killer? Fucking awesome; that’s how great. Best of all the love stories of this show all make Joey and Dawson/ Joey and Pacey Joey and Tom (yep taking it to real life) look like shit. Unlike other teen shows where even pathetic single girl viewers get sick of the promiscuity The OC manages to maintain several “Ross and Rachel” relationships without being incestuous. For me, the ultimate television romance is that of Seth and Summer. Seth is a wisecracking hipster nerd who has no game despite having all of the money and intelligence in the world. He’s obsessed with the bratty spitfire Summer Roberts (my heroine). It turns out that these characters are more complex than we are first led to believe and they have chemistry like whoa: so much so, that they dated in real life (I fucking love it when that happens). I’m going to take another dip into the youtube universe and assume that I can find a sufficient fan video………..
This will do:
2. The writing:
Like Dawson’s Creek and My So Called Life, The OC manages to create relatable teenage characters who can carry a conversation. Each character has a distinct voice: Seth is quick and witty while Ryan is generally silent, but always poignant. Marissa is jaded and naive while Summer is shallow, but loyal. They all have depth, but not to an annoying degree (I’m talking to you MSCL). Basically: they’re real-life characters but richer and prettier (just how I like them).
3. The music:
Like Buffy, The OC regularly featured up-and-coming musicians and, even better, had character theme songs that carried story-lines. The best example would be Marissa’s theme song: “Hallelujah”. It plays the first time Ryan meets Marissa and plays again when she dies. You better believe I cried like a crazy person during her death scene:
Don’t even get me started on Buffy. Be still my heart. This show is more well-rounded than Fred Savage is (wikipedia him). Did you know that the show was specifically created to make a heroine out of the typical victim? In other words-> tiny blonde cutie Buffy can kick the shit out of every type of bad guy. Every episode has its own complete story -line while contributing to the story-line of each season. I laugh, I cry, I basically consistently geek the fuck out. This show lasted seven seasons (and had comic and tv series spin-offs) and it still never seemed like it was “reaching”. Meanwhile, back at the CW ranch, The Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl are already unbelievable as hell and they’re in their beginning seasons. And hello: Both Spike and Angel make Robert Pattinson look like shit. What is probably best about Buffy (beyond the AMAZING ensemble cast) is its creativity. The show could pull off anything: musical? Sure.
An episode without ANY dialogue? Why not!
What appeared to be a “guilty pleasure” show was actually multi-layered and intellectually stimulating. One stop shop! I will HAPPILY embrace a current show that is as good as either of these shows, but sadly (and trust me: I’ve done my research) I don’t think any exist. 😦
popglutton 